Naugthy Jokes - Funny and naughty adult sex jokes!
Jan
29

Left Leg And Right Leg

written by Funnyjokes

What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?

???

Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Jan
24

Pictures

written by Funnyjokes

A man says to his wife one day: Can I have a a picture of your breasts, so than I can always look at them.

His wife responded: Let me have a picture of you penis, I’d like to see it enlarged.

Jan
20

A Blonde’s Mating Call

written by Funnyjokes

Do you know what a blonde’s mating call is?

???

I’m soooo drunk….!

Jan
18

Pregnant Blonde

written by Funnyjokes

Do you know what you call a blonde with two brain cells?

??

Pregnant….

Jan
17

Tarzan & Jane

written by Funnyjokes

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.

She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him what he did for sex.

‘What’s that?’ he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said ‘Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree.’

‘Tarzan, you have it all wrong,’ she says horrified, ‘but I will show you how to do it properly.’

She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide.

‘Here,’ she said, ‘You must put it in here.’

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, ‘What the hell did you do that for?’

‘Just checking for bees,’ said Tarzan.

Jan
16

Escaped Prisoner

written by Funnyjokes

A prisoner escapes from Prison where he had been kept for 15
years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He
finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him
up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed, gets on top of her,
kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he is there, the husband tells his wife:
“Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent
a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the
way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t
complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be
dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you”

To which the wife responds,
“He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me
that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline, and I said “yes, it is in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. Love you too…”

Jan
15

Sex Life Problems

written by Funnyjokes

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn’t seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, “Do you ever watch your wife’s face while you’re having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did once.”

“Well, how did she look?”

“Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!”

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, “Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your wife’s face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”

“She was watching us through the window.”

Jan
14

Tribal Experiment

written by Funnyjokes

A couple was watching a documentary on the Discovery Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “Whadaya say we try that African string-and-weight procedure?”
Her husband agreed and they tied and string and weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our tribal experiment coming along?”

“Well, it looks like we’re half-way there,” he replied.

“You’ve grown to 12 inches?!” she said, astonished.

“No … it’s turned black,” he answered.

Jan
13

Deaf And Dumb

written by Funnyjokes

A deaf and dumb guy and a deaf and dumb girl get married.
On their wedding night she produces a piece of paper on which the following is written.
“On the nights that you want to fuck me, rub my left breast once, on the nights you don’t want to fuck me rub my left breast twice, that way I will know what you need from me”
He thinks what a good idea, and gets his own piece of paper, and writes upon it:-
“On the nights you want to have sex with me pull my cock once, on the nights you don’t want to have sex with me Pull my cock 147 times”

Jan
12

Little Johnny

written by Funnyjokes

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about ‘courting’ from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining this to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.

The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started hugging and kissing her I figured ‘Sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he’s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time ‘Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. this is when her fever started.

I knew it was a fever, because ‘Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick—a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it she got really scared—her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she’d ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down by the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis was brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel’s head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn’t dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats—they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis’s boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.